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Heir Apparent by Sheri Vangen-Ratcliffe

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Misfit
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Heir Apparent by Sheri Vangen-Ratcliffe

Post by Misfit » Sun November 16th, 2008, 10:50 pm

Do you remember those campy scifi movies in the 50's that were so bad they were fun to watch? Well, that's pretty much the way I had to look at this book and certainly the only way I finished it (although I don't think the author intended this to be a satirical farce). The basic premise sounded interesting for readers looking for an entertaining time slip of a book - masons working at Hampton Court in 2070 find a woman's body and a letter that leads them to believe that she was Henry VIII's mistress and pregnant. Curator Kaitlyn Rose has issues of her own, as Anne Boleyn's ghost seems to really have it in for her, and she's in love with Colin. Half brothers Colin and Brighton (who have a mysterious past that shocks the you know what out of Kaitlyn) and the aging Queen Mum sends them all back to Henry VIII's court to find the pregnant woman and bring her back to the future so England will have an heir. Once our intrepid time travelers arrive they hook up with Henry and Anne and their court and surprise (!) Henry immediately starts lusting after the beauteous Kaitlyn while the evil brother Brighton schemes to leave his hated brother Colin in the past. OK, now that I've put that down on paper it is sounding a bit silly.

Where to begin on what is wrong with this book when there are so many places to start? First off, this is apparently self-published POD which means no editor. And boy did this book need editing. Typos on almost every page -- you instead of your, now instead of know, you're instead of your, there instead of their, ware instead of wear, 5:00 shadow and then two pages later it's five o'clock shadow -- get the picture? Now for the setting of London in 2070, outside of a few Jetsonesque like references to 3D TV, I really didn't get much feeling for being decades ahead of our current lifestyle. Worse yet, the way the dialogue was written in an attempt at British accents was way over the top - virtually every sentence had either bloke, bloody or ballocks in it.

Now for the story itself. Two men and a woman traveling alone walk right into Hampton Court and they're just accepted like that? No one is shocked at unmarried Kaitlyn traveling alone with two men and no chaperone? No lady to attend her? Righto. They're promptly given rooms by Henry and Kaitlyn's given the room of his absent mistress - yet still no lady to attend her. Worse yet, Colin comes and goes and spends the night (!!) in Kaitlyn's room and not an eyebrow raised. Want more? How about Anne Boleyn the Queen of England running off to the forest to make whoopee with Brighton and nobody notices? I could go on and on but you get the picture.

Now, why is this so campy and hysterically funny? For starters, the emergency kit brought along by Kaitlyn was priceless - "her tried and true pink and blue plaid pajama pants with their matching pink tank top", biscuits, diet cola, chocolate, tampons, anti-bacterial soap and lice killing shampoo (I did not need to read about the other part of her body that needed shampooing). Kaitlyn keeps getting tipsy during the Court entertainments and ends up on Colin's lap (!!), or better yet all the times she's mad about something and in front of the King and Queen she pouts and puts her arms akimbo. Although the flat out hands down winner that had me on the floor laughing was when our intrepid heroine displays her skill in martial arts and karate chops Henry's guards when they attempt to arrest Colin. ROFL. One of my favorite quotes:

"Without hesitation, Henry snapped back into king mode, hastily slipped through the door, sans shirt, with his breeches half opened, barely containing his thwarted..." (I won't use the word but it starts with an "e").

There you have it, a silly plot filled with huge gaping holes that falls apart quickly, poor sentence structure laden with typos and way too many commas along with cartoon cut-out characters all add up to a mess of a book and a serious waste of a tree. If you find it at the used bookstore for a penny (no more) and want a few laughs go for it, otherwise skip this. It doesn't even deserve one star.

Have copy of book very willing to swap if anyone really wants to read this thing :)

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Tanzanite
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Post by Tanzanite » Mon November 17th, 2008, 12:03 am

Oh dear - that does sounds like a mess. Time for you to start another list. :)

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Amanda
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Post by Amanda » Mon November 17th, 2008, 2:34 am

Oh dear....thanks for the review misfit! Will wipe that one off the wishlist promptly.

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Post by Misfit » Mon November 17th, 2008, 2:40 am

[quote=""Tanzanite""]Oh dear - that does sounds like a mess. Time for you to start another list. :) [/quote]

Nah, not yet. There's still room on the first one at Amazon. The main question is what position it takes #1 or #2??? :o :) :D

Amanda, if you really had that on your list you are the third person in the last two days whose mind I've changed.

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Telynor
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Post by Telynor » Mon November 17th, 2008, 5:59 am

Gah. That sounds awful. I kept having it turn up on my recommends, so finally did add it to the wishlist, but now it will be going away for good. What in god's name possesses people to self-publish...

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Post by Misfit » Mon November 17th, 2008, 2:27 pm

:) :p Telynor, I'll swap if you want. You are more up to snuff on the Tudor times, you'll probably catch a lot more gaffes then I did. i.e. -- would a tablecloth at Henry's court be made of velvet?

BTW, this book has the search inside feature at Amazon. Try reading a few pages and see what you think.
Last edited by Misfit on Mon November 17th, 2008, 2:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by EC2 » Mon November 17th, 2008, 4:34 pm

Hysterical review Misfit! If I see it for a penny then I might just get it for the boggle factor. I think that it has to go at your number 1 wallbang!
I wonder what Henry and Anne would think if they could materialise now and read it!
Les proz e les vassals
Souvent entre piez de chevals
Kar ja li coard n’I chasront

'The Brave and the valiant
Are always to be found between the hooves of horses
For never will cowards fall down there.'

Histoire de Guillaume le Mareschal

www.elizabethchadwick.com

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Misfit
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Post by Misfit » Mon November 17th, 2008, 5:31 pm

EC, if you weren't on the other side of the water I'd mail it to you :)

What's curious now is how many of us have had it pop up on our rec's on Amazon. I was just on the book, see all reviews page and in the right hand side their offering several of your books. Wonder if there's a tag thing going on or something?

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Telynor
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Post by Telynor » Mon November 17th, 2008, 6:30 pm

[quote=""Misfit""] :) :p Telynor, I'll swap if you want. You are more up to snuff on the Tudor times, you'll probably catch a lot more gaffes then I did. i.e. -- would a tablecloth at Henry's court be made of velvet?

BTW, this book has the search inside feature at Amazon. Try reading a few pages and see what you think.[/quote]

I've seen paintings (Holbein's The Ambassadors comes to mind) where turkish carpets were used as table coverings, but I seriously doubt that they were used for -dining- on. I would think that velvet could be used as a table cover, or as underneath table linens, but not to eat off of. That would be far too over the top, not to mention expensive. And considering how labour intensive velvet is to make, it just doesn't make any sense.

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Misfit
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Post by Misfit » Mon November 17th, 2008, 6:44 pm

Now that's even funnier, as she had all the people eating at the court dinner like pigs, just stuffing food into their mouths so it's dripping on the side of their faces. I'm sure some of that fell on the table.

What about a patio (as in patio party) at Hampton Court 16C?

It's too bad I didn't draw you for the December goodie bag, I'd have to include this one for you just for laughs :p :) :o

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