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Anguished English
-
Rowan
- Bibliophile
- Posts: 1462
- Joined: August 2008
- Interest in HF: I love history, but it's boring in school. Historical fiction brings it alive for me.
- Preferred HF: Iron-Age Britain, Roman Britain, Medieval Britain
- Location: New Orleans
- Contact:
Here's some more Anguished English:
Lost in Translation
Sign for Restrooms in Japanese Restaurant: Go back toward your behind.
Jumping to Confusions
Females should have the same athletic opportunities as males: it is an amlost universal medical opinion that there is no sport more dangerous to a girl than a boy.
School Daze
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Stop the Presses!
STUD TIRES OUT
Sportspeak
He threw 100 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful.
Lost in Translation
Sign for Restrooms in Japanese Restaurant: Go back toward your behind.
Jumping to Confusions
Females should have the same athletic opportunities as males: it is an amlost universal medical opinion that there is no sport more dangerous to a girl than a boy.
School Daze
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Stop the Presses!
STUD TIRES OUT
Sportspeak
He threw 100 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful.
-
Rowan
- Bibliophile
- Posts: 1462
- Joined: August 2008
- Interest in HF: I love history, but it's boring in school. Historical fiction brings it alive for me.
- Preferred HF: Iron-Age Britain, Roman Britain, Medieval Britain
- Location: New Orleans
- Contact:
Another long list...
Stop the Presses!
REGAN TO HAVE TISSUE REMOVED FROM NOSE
Advertisement
Wow! Ferrari, red, with buckskin leather: 1984 308 GTSi ZV, 1 owner with removable top.
Jumping to Confusions
John Masten, the celebrated singer, was in an automobile accident last week. We are happy to state that he was able to appear the following evening in four pieces.
Wholly Holy Blooper
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Disorder in the Court!
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Wrong Word
I want to be a ball bearing at your funeral.
School Daze
Today Rome is full of fallen arches.
Sportspeak
There's a long drive! Winfield is going back, back, back! He hits his head against the wall! It's rolling into second base!
Stop the Presses
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
Wrong Word
It was a case of love at Versailles.
Stop the Presses!
REGAN TO HAVE TISSUE REMOVED FROM NOSE
Advertisement
Wow! Ferrari, red, with buckskin leather: 1984 308 GTSi ZV, 1 owner with removable top.
Jumping to Confusions
John Masten, the celebrated singer, was in an automobile accident last week. We are happy to state that he was able to appear the following evening in four pieces.
Wholly Holy Blooper
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Disorder in the Court!
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Wrong Word
I want to be a ball bearing at your funeral.
School Daze
Today Rome is full of fallen arches.
Sportspeak
There's a long drive! Winfield is going back, back, back! He hits his head against the wall! It's rolling into second base!
Stop the Presses
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
Wrong Word
It was a case of love at Versailles.
-
Rowan
- Bibliophile
- Posts: 1462
- Joined: August 2008
- Interest in HF: I love history, but it's boring in school. Historical fiction brings it alive for me.
- Preferred HF: Iron-Age Britain, Roman Britain, Medieval Britain
- Location: New Orleans
- Contact:
Another string...
Mixed-Up Metaphor
Don't rock the trough.
Advertisement
Allow me to recycle your unwanted children and infant clothing. Free pickup.
Stop the Presses!
From now on, police will pick up road-killed animals, not public works employees.
Sign of the Times
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine Cards: Now available in multi-packs.
Lost in Translation
HOTEL NOTICE IN ANKARA, TURKEY: You are invite to visit our restaurant where you can eat the Middle East foods in a European ambulance.
School Daze
The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. Maybe that's what we're doing wrong??
Medical-Speak
The patient is a 65-year-old woman who fell, and this fall was complicated by a truck rolling over her.
Mixed-Up Metaphor
Don't rock the trough.
Advertisement
Allow me to recycle your unwanted children and infant clothing. Free pickup.
Stop the Presses!
From now on, police will pick up road-killed animals, not public works employees.
Sign of the Times
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine Cards: Now available in multi-packs.
Lost in Translation
HOTEL NOTICE IN ANKARA, TURKEY: You are invite to visit our restaurant where you can eat the Middle East foods in a European ambulance.
School Daze
The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. Maybe that's what we're doing wrong??
Medical-Speak
The patient is a 65-year-old woman who fell, and this fall was complicated by a truck rolling over her.
Mensa Dictionary
I received this among my emails today.
Subject: Mensa Dictionary
Just read this. w.
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: - These are great!
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn a fter finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Subject: Mensa Dictionary
Just read this. w.
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: - These are great!
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn a fter finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Bodo the Apostate, a novel set during the reign of Louis the Pious and end of the Carolingian Empire.
http://www.donaldmichaelplatt.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXZthhY6 ... annel_page
-
Rowan
- Bibliophile
- Posts: 1462
- Joined: August 2008
- Interest in HF: I love history, but it's boring in school. Historical fiction brings it alive for me.
- Preferred HF: Iron-Age Britain, Roman Britain, Medieval Britain
- Location: New Orleans
- Contact:
Those were fabulous Donroc! 
A few more Anguished English...
SPORTSPEAK
Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. - David Acfield
MEDICAL-SPEAK
Three bullets were removed from the patient - one from each leg.
STOP THE PRESSES!
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
LOST IN TRANSLATION
In a Japanese restaurant: Please keep chair position and keep tables cleaned after dying. Thanks for your corporation.
ADVERTISEMENT
Turkey Carpet for Sale good condition the property of a lady too large for her rooms.
MIXED-UP METAPHOR
It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it squarely in the eye.
WRONG WORD
Family Physician.
Hours: 10:30-12:20--3:30-4:45 Monday-Friday,
10:30-11:45 Saturday
Limited Amount of Patience.
WHOLLY HOLY BLOOPER
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
SCHOOL DAZE
Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.
A few more Anguished English...
SPORTSPEAK
Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. - David Acfield
MEDICAL-SPEAK
Three bullets were removed from the patient - one from each leg.
STOP THE PRESSES!
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
LOST IN TRANSLATION
In a Japanese restaurant: Please keep chair position and keep tables cleaned after dying. Thanks for your corporation.
ADVERTISEMENT
Turkey Carpet for Sale good condition the property of a lady too large for her rooms.
MIXED-UP METAPHOR
It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it squarely in the eye.
WRONG WORD
Family Physician.
Hours: 10:30-12:20--3:30-4:45 Monday-Friday,
10:30-11:45 Saturday
Limited Amount of Patience.
WHOLLY HOLY BLOOPER
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
SCHOOL DAZE
Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.
"Next" is a clothes shop in England. Buy a tie, and on the back of the box it says, "How to care for you Next tie..."
Hmm...how do you care for this one??
I bought a brush for cleaning windows (how sad!) - on the packaging it said, "This brush is for cleaning purposes only. Do not use for any other purpose." ????? Like what????
On the tiny opening of the 'Oxfam' charity box for clothes donations, it says, "Caution! Do not attempt to climb into here." Like you would? Like they think cats and squirrels can read??? Hmmm
Hmm...how do you care for this one??
I bought a brush for cleaning windows (how sad!) - on the packaging it said, "This brush is for cleaning purposes only. Do not use for any other purpose." ????? Like what????
On the tiny opening of the 'Oxfam' charity box for clothes donations, it says, "Caution! Do not attempt to climb into here." Like you would? Like they think cats and squirrels can read??? Hmmm
SPlease see my recent post in the joke thread.
Bodo the Apostate, a novel set during the reign of Louis the Pious and end of the Carolingian Empire.
http://www.donaldmichaelplatt.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXZthhY6 ... annel_page
Please see my recent post in the joke thread.
Bodo the Apostate, a novel set during the reign of Louis the Pious and end of the Carolingian Empire.
http://www.donaldmichaelplatt.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXZthhY6 ... annel_page