I'd started sharing these on another forum at the beginning of the year, but quit after a while. They're just too good not to share and I think all of you book intellectuals are more likely to get grammar jokes.
These are from my day-by-day calendar of Anguished English compiled by Richard Lederer. As one who has a BA in English, I bought three of his books and have had loads of laughter.....
Disorder in the Court!
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Wholly Holy Blooper
I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty, and you gave me drink.
School Daze (these are usually taken from students' test papers and/or essays)
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was born in Portland, Maine, while his parents were traveling abroad.
Jumping to Confusions
He ran outside and chased after the cat with a broomstick in his underwear.
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Disorder in the Court
You were there until the time you left - is that true?
Wholly Holy Blooper
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the men will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Sign of the Times
Outside a Country Shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Advertisement
Widow, 73, would like to meet gent with a car of similar age.
Wrong Word
She is laboring under a missed conception.
Medical-Speak
He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above-knee amputation last year.
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Anguished English
We buy junk and sell antiques" -- that sign has been there at least since the late 1940s if it is the same one on the road from Marin County to Clear Lake, California.
Some variations of the theme--hope it is not a derail.
Portrite of a Lady -- Norman Rockwell attempts the Mona Lisa.
How Green was my Galley -- Novices row a trireme
Chef Ramsey has a conniption fit.
Some variations of the theme--hope it is not a derail.
Portrite of a Lady -- Norman Rockwell attempts the Mona Lisa.
How Green was my Galley -- Novices row a trireme
Chef Ramsey has a conniption fit.
Bodo the Apostate, a novel set during the reign of Louis the Pious and end of the Carolingian Empire.
http://www.donaldmichaelplatt.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXZthhY6 ... annel_page
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Rowan
- Bibliophile
- Posts: 1462
- Joined: August 2008
- Interest in HF: I love history, but it's boring in school. Historical fiction brings it alive for me.
- Preferred HF: Iron-Age Britain, Roman Britain, Medieval Britain
- Location: New Orleans
- Contact:
More of the Anguished English...
School Daze
Lord of the Flies is a story about a bunch of boys on an uninhibited desert island.
Misdirected Directions
On a bottle of flavoured milk drink: After opening, keep upright.
Sign of the Times
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
Advertisement
Remember, you get what you pay for. And at Hub Furniture Store, you pay less.
Stop the Presses!
MARRIAGE LICENSE PERMITS MOUNTING
Jumping to Confusions
Lettuce won't turn brown if you put your head in a plastic bag before placing it in the refrigerator.
Wholly Holy Blooper
Would the congregation please note that the bowl in the back of the church labeled "For the Sick" is for monetary donations only.
School Daze
Lord of the Flies is a story about a bunch of boys on an uninhibited desert island.
Misdirected Directions
On a bottle of flavoured milk drink: After opening, keep upright.
Sign of the Times
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
Advertisement
Remember, you get what you pay for. And at Hub Furniture Store, you pay less.
Stop the Presses!
MARRIAGE LICENSE PERMITS MOUNTING
Jumping to Confusions
Lettuce won't turn brown if you put your head in a plastic bag before placing it in the refrigerator.
Wholly Holy Blooper
Would the congregation please note that the bowl in the back of the church labeled "For the Sick" is for monetary donations only.
I love them Rowan and Volgadon!
Re wrong words. My friend's mum was stopped in the street and asked for directions. She pointed down the road and told the motorist to 'turn right by the bollocks' (bollards). In her house the drink is 'decapitated coffee.'
My mother in law has the same affliction. When her daughter was poorly and put on medication, she rang around the family to tell them that 'Our Linda's on asteroids.' Hmmm, I thought. That'll make her high then.
Re wrong words. My friend's mum was stopped in the street and asked for directions. She pointed down the road and told the motorist to 'turn right by the bollocks' (bollards). In her house the drink is 'decapitated coffee.'
My mother in law has the same affliction. When her daughter was poorly and put on medication, she rang around the family to tell them that 'Our Linda's on asteroids.' Hmmm, I thought. That'll make her high then.
Les proz e les vassals
Souvent entre piez de chevals
Kar ja li coard nI chasront
'The Brave and the valiant
Are always to be found between the hooves of horses
For never will cowards fall down there.'
Histoire de Guillaume le Mareschal
www.elizabethchadwick.com
Souvent entre piez de chevals
Kar ja li coard nI chasront
'The Brave and the valiant
Are always to be found between the hooves of horses
For never will cowards fall down there.'
Histoire de Guillaume le Mareschal
www.elizabethchadwick.com
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Vanessa
- Bibliomaniac
- Posts: 4351
- Joined: August 2008
- Currently reading: The Farm at the Edge of the World by Sarah Vaughan
- Interest in HF: The first historical novel I read was Katherine by Anya Seton and this sparked off my interest in this genre.
- Favourite HF book: Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell!
- Preferred HF: Any
- Location: North Yorkshire, UK
LOL. A couple of Mrs Malaprops in the making, then? 
currently reading: My Books on Goodreads
Books are mirrors, you only see in them what you already have inside you ~ The Shadow of the Wind
Books are mirrors, you only see in them what you already have inside you ~ The Shadow of the Wind
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sweetpotatoboy
- Bibliophile
- Posts: 1641
- Joined: August 2008
- Location: London, UK
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boswellbaxter
- Bibliomaniac
- Posts: 3066
- Joined: August 2008
- Location: North Carolina
- Contact:
My mother-in-law used to pronounce "afghan" as "African." She was always referring to being wrapped up in her African, which must have confused those who didn't know her . . .
Susan Higginbotham
Coming in October: The Woodvilles
http://www.susanhigginbotham.com/
http://www.susanhigginbotham.com/blog/
Coming in October: The Woodvilles
http://www.susanhigginbotham.com/
http://www.susanhigginbotham.com/blog/
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Rowan
- Bibliophile
- Posts: 1462
- Joined: August 2008
- Interest in HF: I love history, but it's boring in school. Historical fiction brings it alive for me.
- Preferred HF: Iron-Age Britain, Roman Britain, Medieval Britain
- Location: New Orleans
- Contact:
And even more!
Disorder in the Court!
Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, Your Honor, we're all alike - temporarily insane.
School Daze
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
Sportspeak
If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's gonna stop them. - Yogi Bera
Jumping to Confusions
The unfortunate woman was killed while cooking her husband's breakfast in a horrible manner.
Wrong Word
Please open the window. I'm getting sophisticated.
Jumping to Confusions
All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren.
School Daze
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Mixed-up Metaphor
It's either fame or famine.
Stop the Presses!
CITY HALL SAYS FLOODING IN LOWLANDS WAS THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH WATER
School Daze
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
Disorder in the Court!
Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, Your Honor, we're all alike - temporarily insane.
School Daze
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
Sportspeak
If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's gonna stop them. - Yogi Bera
Jumping to Confusions
The unfortunate woman was killed while cooking her husband's breakfast in a horrible manner.
Wrong Word
Please open the window. I'm getting sophisticated.
Jumping to Confusions
All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren.
School Daze
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Mixed-up Metaphor
It's either fame or famine.
Stop the Presses!
CITY HALL SAYS FLOODING IN LOWLANDS WAS THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH WATER
School Daze
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.