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Anguished English

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Rowan
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Interest in HF: I love history, but it's boring in school. Historical fiction brings it alive for me.
Preferred HF: Iron-Age Britain, Roman Britain, Medieval Britain
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Anguished English

Post by Rowan » Thu September 11th, 2008, 1:08 pm

I'd started sharing these on another forum at the beginning of the year, but quit after a while. They're just too good not to share and I think all of you book intellectuals are more likely to get grammar jokes.

These are from my day-by-day calendar of Anguished English compiled by Richard Lederer. As one who has a BA in English, I bought three of his books and have had loads of laughter.....

Disorder in the Court!

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Wholly Holy Blooper

I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty, and you gave me drink.

School Daze (these are usually taken from students' test papers and/or essays)

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was born in Portland, Maine, while his parents were traveling abroad.

Jumping to Confusions

He ran outside and chased after the cat with a broomstick in his underwear.

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Free Earwash with Lube and Oil Change Only

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At the Cleveland Clinic, some of our surgeons can add years to your life. Others are equally expert at reversing the process.

Disorder in the Court

You were there until the time you left - is that true?

Wholly Holy Blooper

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the men will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Sign of the Times

Outside a Country Shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Advertisement

Widow, 73, would like to meet gent with a car of similar age.

Wrong Word

She is laboring under a missed conception.

Medical-Speak

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above-knee amputation last year.

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donroc
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Post by donroc » Thu September 11th, 2008, 1:55 pm

We buy junk and sell antiques" -- that sign has been there at least since the late 1940s if it is the same one on the road from Marin County to Clear Lake, California.

Some variations of the theme--hope it is not a derail.

Portrite of a Lady -- Norman Rockwell attempts the Mona Lisa.
How Green was my Galley -- Novices row a trireme
Chef Ramsey has a conniption fit.
Image

Bodo the Apostate, a novel set during the reign of Louis the Pious and end of the Carolingian Empire.

http://www.donaldmichaelplatt.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXZthhY6 ... annel_page

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Rowan
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Interest in HF: I love history, but it's boring in school. Historical fiction brings it alive for me.
Preferred HF: Iron-Age Britain, Roman Britain, Medieval Britain
Location: New Orleans
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Post by Rowan » Mon September 15th, 2008, 12:59 pm

More of the Anguished English...

School Daze

Lord of the Flies is a story about a bunch of boys on an uninhibited desert island.

Misdirected Directions

On a bottle of flavoured milk drink: After opening, keep upright.

Sign of the Times

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

Advertisement

Remember, you get what you pay for. And at Hub Furniture Store, you pay less.

Stop the Presses!

MARRIAGE LICENSE PERMITS MOUNTING

Jumping to Confusions

Lettuce won't turn brown if you put your head in a plastic bag before placing it in the refrigerator.

Wholly Holy Blooper

Would the congregation please note that the bowl in the back of the church labeled "For the Sick" is for monetary donations only.

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Volgadon
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Post by Volgadon » Tue September 16th, 2008, 8:37 am

A friend of mine bought a tie in RUssia, the tag had a diagram with the caption. 'wear ways of tie'.

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EC2
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Post by EC2 » Tue September 16th, 2008, 10:15 am

I love them Rowan and Volgadon!
Re wrong words. My friend's mum was stopped in the street and asked for directions. She pointed down the road and told the motorist to 'turn right by the bollocks' (bollards). In her house the drink is 'decapitated coffee.'
My mother in law has the same affliction. When her daughter was poorly and put on medication, she rang around the family to tell them that 'Our Linda's on asteroids.' Hmmm, I thought. That'll make her high then.
Les proz e les vassals
Souvent entre piez de chevals
Kar ja li coard n’I chasront

'The Brave and the valiant
Are always to be found between the hooves of horses
For never will cowards fall down there.'

Histoire de Guillaume le Mareschal

www.elizabethchadwick.com

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Vanessa
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Currently reading: The Farm at the Edge of the World by Sarah Vaughan
Interest in HF: The first historical novel I read was Katherine by Anya Seton and this sparked off my interest in this genre.
Favourite HF book: Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell!
Preferred HF: Any
Location: North Yorkshire, UK

Post by Vanessa » Tue September 16th, 2008, 1:37 pm

LOL. A couple of Mrs Malaprops in the making, then? :)
currently reading: My Books on Goodreads

Books are mirrors, you only see in them what you already have inside you ~ The Shadow of the Wind

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sweetpotatoboy
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Location: London, UK

Post by sweetpotatoboy » Tue September 16th, 2008, 2:18 pm

I remember my Latin master making a wonderful spoonerism:
"That's another worm you've tasted!!" he railed at one of my fellow pupils. (Think about it.)

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boswellbaxter
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Post by boswellbaxter » Tue September 16th, 2008, 2:21 pm

My mother-in-law used to pronounce "afghan" as "African." She was always referring to being wrapped up in her African, which must have confused those who didn't know her . . .
Susan Higginbotham
Coming in October: The Woodvilles


http://www.susanhigginbotham.com/
http://www.susanhigginbotham.com/blog/

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Rowan
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Interest in HF: I love history, but it's boring in school. Historical fiction brings it alive for me.
Preferred HF: Iron-Age Britain, Roman Britain, Medieval Britain
Location: New Orleans
Contact:

Post by Rowan » Tue September 16th, 2008, 3:21 pm

And even more!

Disorder in the Court!

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, Your Honor, we're all alike - temporarily insane. :D

School Daze

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

Sportspeak

If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's gonna stop them. - Yogi Bera

Jumping to Confusions

The unfortunate woman was killed while cooking her husband's breakfast in a horrible manner. :eek:

Wrong Word

Please open the window. I'm getting sophisticated.

Jumping to Confusions

All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren. :D

School Daze

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Mixed-up Metaphor

It's either fame or famine.

Stop the Presses!

CITY HALL SAYS FLOODING IN LOWLANDS WAS THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH WATER :eek:

School Daze

The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

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Volgadon
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Post by Volgadon » Wed September 17th, 2008, 6:10 pm

Not laugh-outloud histerical, but I can't understand what the press has against 'and.' Commas are not a a replacement!!!!

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