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Good jokes and other funny stuff

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diamondlil
Bibliomaniac

Postby diamondlil » Mon February 2nd, 2009, 11:39 am

So, here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...



'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
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Leyland
Bibliophile
Location: Travelers Rest SC

Postby Leyland » Mon February 2nd, 2009, 3:55 pm

Oh, diamondlil, I'll never be able to eat artichoke heart dip again without thinking about Artie the Assassin!


PROFOUND THOUGHTS -

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
We are the music makers, And we are the dreamers of dreams ~ Arthur O'Shaughnessy, Ode

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nona
Bibliophile
Location: Oklahoma

Postby nona » Tue February 3rd, 2009, 1:29 am

lol, my husband would like that.

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MLE (Emily Cotton)
Bibliomaniac
Interest in HF: started in childhood with the classics, which, IMHO are HF even if they were contemporary when written.
Favorite HF book: Prince of Foxes, by Samuel Shellabarger
Preferred HF: Currently prefer 1600 and earlier, but I'll read anything that keeps me turning the page.
Location: California Bay Area

Postby MLE (Emily Cotton) » Sat February 21st, 2009, 2:13 pm

[COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]Husband says: [/COLOR][COLOR=black]When I get mad at you,[/COLOR][COLOR=black] you [/COLOR][/FONT][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]Never fight back.[/COLOR][COLOR=black]
How do you control
[/COLOR][COLOR=black]your anger?[/COLOR]
[/FONT][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial][/COLOR][/FONT][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]Wife says: [/COLOR][COLOR=black]I clean the toilet...[/COLOR][/FONT][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial][/COLOR][/FONT][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]Husband says: [/COLOR][COLOR=black]How does that help?[/COLOR][/FONT][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial][/COLOR][/FONT][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]Wife says: [/COLOR][COLOR=black]I use your [/COLOR][COLOR=black]toothbrush......[/COLOR][/FONT][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial][/COLOR][/FONT]

LoisAnn
Reader
Location: Marlow, Oklahoma

Postby LoisAnn » Tue February 24th, 2009, 3:56 am

LindyMc (Mom) & I got a kick out of this one this morning.

A couple of books came in for my husband this morning and he said, "Well, I'm really 'overbooked' now!"

He has four books on his TBR stack !! :cool:

I just smiled and said that being 'overbooked' was a good way to be ...
I've never known any trouble that an hour's reading didn't assuage. ~ Charles de Secondat

chuck
Bibliophile
Location: Ciinaminson NJ

Postby chuck » Tue March 3rd, 2009, 8:41 pm

Read somewhere recently.....Christchurch, New Zealand... City officials have started playing Barry Manilow and other "Easy Listening" tunes in their Malls....Their aim is to discourage the rowdy "Mall Rats" from acting out and bothering Mall shoppers.....It would be tortuous music for me.....I can imagine what it's doing young people.....I don't shop at Malls so I don't see the Mall Rats in action....Target and other stores, that I patronize play mostly "Soft Rock" and that is barely tolerable......Does anybody remember "Musesak/elevator programmed music to motivate people at different times of the day....It was so depressing to have to listen that dribble......
Last edited by chuck on Wed March 4th, 2009, 12:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ash
Bibliomaniac
Location: Arizona, USA

Postby Ash » Tue March 3rd, 2009, 11:50 pm

They've tried that here. Not only does it not work, but it scares away the hordes of us who cannot stand that stuff.

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Richard
Reader
Location: Albany, NY
Contact:

Postby Richard » Wed March 4th, 2009, 12:12 am

Muzak "Girl from Ipanema" did not prevent Elwood Blues from vandalizing a public elevator in Chicago.
How did an 800-year-old headless corpse transform Venice from a backwater
into the greatest sea-empire of the early Middle Ages? Find out at,


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chuck
Bibliophile
Location: Ciinaminson NJ

Muzak flashbacks

Postby chuck » Wed March 4th, 2009, 1:05 am

"Richard" wrote:Muzak "Girl from Ipanema" did not prevent Elwood Blues from vandalizing a public elevator in Chicago.


What do you think they would do if they heard "Fly Me To the Moon" or the 100 Strings Orchestra doing Bowie's "Ziggy Stardust"...It still gives me the willies when I think about it....

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Leyland
Bibliophile
Location: Travelers Rest SC

Postby Leyland » Wed March 4th, 2009, 2:49 am

"chuck" wrote:Does anybody remember "Musesak/elevator programmed music to motivate people at different times of the day....It was so depressing to have to listen that dribble......

Now Zamfir and his pan flute .... he was da bomb!
We are the music makers, And we are the dreamers of dreams ~ Arthur O'Shaughnessy, Ode


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