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Eldest leaving for college

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Julianne Douglas
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Eldest leaving for college

Post by Julianne Douglas » Sun August 2nd, 2009, 5:58 pm

I started a different thread on procrastination, but I think part of my problem is that the reality of my daughter, my oldest child, leaving for college is starting to sink in and coloring everything I try to do. She leaves in two weeks, and though I'm VERY excited for her, I'm also going to miss her and wonder how the family dynamic will change with her gone. She is going completely across the country, so we won't see her again until Christmas, and then for two and one half weeks.

Do any of you have teens going off to college for the first time this fall? For those of you who have already been through this, any words of advice?

Thanks!
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Writing the Renaissance

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Tanzanite
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Post by Tanzanite » Sun August 2nd, 2009, 6:47 pm

Well, mine's not going off to college this fall, but we "left" her in Indiana when we moved to Denver so she could continue with the college she was already attending (at 17). She is our only child and I will admit to missing her terribly. We talk on the phone at least every couple of days, but it's still not the same. I just keep telling myself that it's her time to live her life and that I've done the job I set out to do. She's been out twice so far this year and is coming out in a couple of weeks in between summer and fall session. It's gotten a little easier as each month goes by, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard.

I think the main thing is to stay in touch (free long distance, email and texting make that easier than it was when I was in college!) and to let her know that you are always there for her. Sometimes my daughter calls me just because she needs to vent about something and I just listen... It's also good to try and keep yourself busy with things you enjoy. I've found that my husband and I now have more time to spend together and doing things that we like to do- we don't have to worry about her scheduled or what she's doing.

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Susan
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Post by Susan » Sun August 2nd, 2009, 6:53 pm

[quote=""Julianne Douglas""]Do any of you have teens going off to college for the first time this fall? For those of you who have already been through this, any words of advice?[/quote]

Sending the first child away is difficult, but it does get better. I was never a helicopter parent, but rather tried to let my son and daughter be independent and tried to think of their college experience as an important rite of passage for them.

Having said that I will say that there was one incident in which I was a paranoid mother with my first child (the son). He went to The College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia about 450 miles away. His dorm room was on the first floor and I freaked out because there was no screen on the window and someone could just climb in the room (not really but I thought that). I called up Residence Life and left what must have been a frantic message about installing a screen promptly. A screen was installed the next day. I do know that a screen is not going to stop anyone from breaking in, but I guess I wasn't thinking rationally. My husband thought I had completely lost it.

What I found difficult was dealing with them when they came home from college. If they were going out, I'd ask questions like, "Where are you going?" and "When will you be home?" and get the answer, "You don't know what I'm doing at college." I finally did get answer when I said, "But you are taking my car."
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Post by Ash » Sun August 2nd, 2009, 7:39 pm

Hee, bingo.

I have no kids but well remember my leaving home experience. I was so so excited I am not sure I even said goodbye when they finally left my dorm room. I was not only the youngest, but since there were 10 years differene betwen me and my nearest sib, they had so much trouble with me leaving (what was funny was just before college they sent me off to work on a Kibbutz. Go figure). I heard later that my mom cried the whole two hours back home.

Thing to remember - I still came back for vacations, and I still stayed in contact, and still wanted to see them. In fact, being away helped me see my parents as human beings, and taught me a little empathy for some of the quirks that drove me crazy. So take heart; they are turning into adults, and possibly life long friends.

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Post by gyrehead » Sun August 2nd, 2009, 8:22 pm

I'm not that far from having been the kid waved bye-bye to.

I'm the baby and a proud mamma's boy. But I also attended boarding school and moved on to college at a young age. So there were odd jolts and lurches that probably don't apply to others.

One thing that got me through school and having parents whose careers both took them away for long periods of time to other countries, were the rituals that my mother put into place.

For instance we had phone night. It was a night devoted to me and her to talk on the phone. She was always there for me no matter what. But (and she said this was one of the hardest things she ever did) she made a point to keep calls brief that seemed just "I wanted to hear your voice". Friends found that harsh. And at times it was frustrating having had a bad day to call her and have her listen for 10 minutes and then gently but firmly tell me she had to go. I think it worked because she had a sixth sense in knowing when I had used up my limit of whine and when I legitimately had an issue that had no clock ticking.

But the ritual of call night meant even I had talked to her the day before, I stil called or she called on call night. It could be just a ten minute "I love you and hope you are doing well" type call. Or it could be hours of simply yakking about what the dogs did that day.

It obviously is not for everyone. But it was that weekly ritual that helped create a sense of being connected even over the distance. The constant sense of her being there and come phoen night re-connecting. It was somethig to look forward to and was something that helpled discipline both of us to the absence in what was already well on its way toward becoming the age of instant communication. And even as I ICQ'd my siblings and friends outside of school, it was the phone that was part of the ritual with my mother. We'd email each other. But again, it was not a glib easy form of saying hi etc. It never took the place of that moment.

So I suggest finding some sort of constant "ritual" the two of you can take part in together. Just be aware that as the parent you have to understand when the child either no longer needs the ritual or misses one due to a hot date!!!! Still I think you'll find that the child tends to return to the practice if is a worthwhile one to begin with. The overriding element is that the child knows you are "there" no matter how far away you are.

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Post by EC2 » Sun August 2nd, 2009, 11:48 pm

We found it very hard for the first few weeks when our youngest went to University. The older child went straight into a job from the 6th form and even when he moved out, was still in the area, but the youngest (boy) moved to the university of Aberystwyth, which wasn't exactly on our doorstep. The evening after we left him there, we just sat in our rental cottage and stared numbly at each other because it was such a rite of passage. The baby had flown the nest. He himself was very unsettled for the first few days and not sure about being there. However, as we pulled away from that one absolutely awful moment, things looked up. He made friends and became more independent. We settled down and found more time together as a couple again. We helped him out financially at uni but on the other hand our food bills were suddenly much lower! Like Gyrhead, we always talked to him at a regular time each week whatever.
He's now back home and his girlfriend has moved in with us too, so we're back up to full capacity!
I would say expect to feel a bit bereft at the outset - can't be helped, it's part of the process, but you will get over it and you will find positives in the situation - not a platitude; you will!
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Post by SarahWoodbury » Mon August 3rd, 2009, 4:57 pm

My daughter leaves on 27 August for college (and actually left this morning to spend two weeks nannying for Anna as her baby is due so soon), so we'll miss her now, and miss her again.

I think I'm good with it, though, helped in large part by the fact that she is not going very far away--only an hour. If she was going to the east coast I'd probably be a wreck. She is emailing with her roommate and we've bought some 'stuff' for her (coathangers, laundry basket). She's completely ready to go and it reminds me how oblivious I was to how my parents felt when I left for college. I've tried to balance the "I'll really miss you" with "It's so great you're going and having this wonderful opportunity."

We'll see how I feel in two years when it's my son's turn.

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