Anguished English

[Rowan]

I'd started sharing these on another forum at the beginning of the year, but quit after a while. They're just too good not to share and I think all of you book intellectuals are more likely to get grammar jokes.

These are from my day-by-day calendar of Anguished English compiled by Richard Lederer. As one who has a BA in English, I bought three of his books and have had loads of laughter.....

Disorder in the Court!

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Wholly Holy Blooper

I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty, and you gave me drink.

School Daze (these are usually taken from students' test papers and/or essays)

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was born in Portland, Maine, while his parents were traveling abroad.

Jumping to Confusions

He ran outside and chased after the cat with a broomstick in his underwear.

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Disorder in the Court

You were there until the time you left - is that true?

Wholly Holy Blooper

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the men will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Sign of the Times

Outside a Country Shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Advertisement

Widow, 73, would like to meet gent with a car of similar age.

Wrong Word

She is laboring under a missed conception.

Medical-Speak

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above-knee amputation last year.

[donroc]

We buy junk and sell antiques" -- that sign has been there at least since the late 1940s if it is the same one on the road from Marin County to Clear Lake, California.

Some variations of the theme--hope it is not a derail.

Portrite of a Lady -- Norman Rockwell attempts the Mona Lisa.
How Green was my Galley -- Novices row a trireme
Chef Ramsey has a conniption fit.

[Rowan]

More of the Anguished English...

School Daze

Lord of the Flies is a story about a bunch of boys on an uninhibited desert island.

Misdirected Directions

On a bottle of flavoured milk drink: After opening, keep upright.

Sign of the Times

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

Advertisement

Remember, you get what you pay for. And at Hub Furniture Store, you pay less.

Stop the Presses!

MARRIAGE LICENSE PERMITS MOUNTING

Jumping to Confusions

Lettuce won't turn brown if you put your head in a plastic bag before placing it in the refrigerator.

Wholly Holy Blooper

Would the congregation please note that the bowl in the back of the church labeled "For the Sick" is for monetary donations only.

[Volgadon]

A friend of mine bought a tie in RUssia, the tag had a diagram with the caption. 'wear ways of tie'.

[EC2]

I love them Rowan and Volgadon!
Re wrong words. My friend's mum was stopped in the street and asked for directions. She pointed down the road and told the motorist to 'turn right by the bollocks' (bollards). In her house the drink is 'decapitated coffee.'
My mother in law has the same affliction. When her daughter was poorly and put on medication, she rang around the family to tell them that 'Our Linda's on asteroids.' Hmmm, I thought. That'll make her high then.

[Vanessa]

LOL. A couple of Mrs Malaprops in the making, then?:)

[sweetpotatoboy]

I remember my Latin master making a wonderful spoonerism:
"That's another worm you've tasted!!" he railed at one of my fellow pupils. (Think about it.)

[boswellbaxter]

My mother-in-law used to pronounce "afghan" as "African." She was always referring to being wrapped up in her African, which must have confused those who didn't know her . . .

[Rowan]

And even more!

Disorder in the Court!

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, Your Honor, we're all alike - temporarily insane. :D

School Daze

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

Sportspeak

If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's gonna stop them. - Yogi Bera

Jumping to Confusions

The unfortunate woman was killed while cooking her husband's breakfast in a horrible manner. :eek:

Wrong Word

Please open the window. I'm getting sophisticated.

Jumping to Confusions

All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren. :D

School Daze

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Mixed-up Metaphor

It's either fame or famine.

Stop the Presses!

CITY HALL SAYS FLOODING IN LOWLANDS WAS THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH WATER :eek:

School Daze

The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

[Volgadon]

Not laugh-outloud histerical, but I can't understand what the press has against 'and.' Commas are not a a replacement!!!!

[Rowan]

In print, it's all about the words and the space they take up...

[Volgadon]

I could see that, but there is no excuse for it on the web!

[Rowan]

Here's some more Anguished English:

Lost in Translation

Sign for Restrooms in Japanese Restaurant: Go back toward your behind.

Jumping to Confusions

Females should have the same athletic opportunities as males: it is an amlost universal medical opinion that there is no sport more dangerous to a girl than a boy.

School Daze

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Stop the Presses!

STUD TIRES OUT

Sportspeak

He threw 100 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful.

[Rowan]

Another long list...

Stop the Presses!

REGAN TO HAVE TISSUE REMOVED FROM NOSE

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Wow! Ferrari, red, with buckskin leather: 1984 308 GTSi ZV, 1 owner with removable top.

Jumping to Confusions

John Masten, the celebrated singer, was in an automobile accident last week. We are happy to state that he was able to appear the following evening in four pieces.

Wholly Holy Blooper

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Disorder in the Court!

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Wrong Word

I want to be a ball bearing at your funeral.

School Daze

Today Rome is full of fallen arches.

Sportspeak

There's a long drive! Winfield is going back, back, back! He hits his head against the wall! It's rolling into second base!

Stop the Presses

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

Wrong Word

It was a case of love at Versailles.

[Rowan]

Another string...

Mixed-Up Metaphor

Don't rock the trough.

Advertisement

Allow me to recycle your unwanted children and infant clothing. Free pickup.

Stop the Presses!

From now on, police will pick up road-killed animals, not public works employees.

Sign of the Times

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine Cards: Now available in multi-packs.

Lost in Translation

HOTEL NOTICE IN ANKARA, TURKEY: You are invite to visit our restaurant where you can eat the Middle East foods in a European ambulance.

School Daze

The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. Maybe that's what we're doing wrong??

Medical-Speak

The patient is a 65-year-old woman who fell, and this fall was complicated by a truck rolling over her.

[donroc]

I received this among my emails today.

Subject: Mensa Dictionary

Just read this. w.

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: - These are great!

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high


8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.


9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


13. Glibido : All talk and no action.


14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn a fter finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.


2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.


3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.


6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.


7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.


11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.


12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.


14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.


15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[Rowan]

Those were fabulous Donroc! :D

A few more Anguished English...

SPORTSPEAK

Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. - David Acfield

MEDICAL-SPEAK

Three bullets were removed from the patient - one from each leg.

STOP THE PRESSES!

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON

LOST IN TRANSLATION

In a Japanese restaurant: Please keep chair position and keep tables cleaned after dying. Thanks for your corporation.

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Turkey Carpet for Sale good condition the property of a lady too large for her rooms.

MIXED-UP METAPHOR

It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it squarely in the eye.

WRONG WORD

Family Physician.
Hours: 10:30-12:20--3:30-4:45 Monday-Friday,
10:30-11:45 Saturday
Limited Amount of Patience.

WHOLLY HOLY BLOOPER

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

SCHOOL DAZE

Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.

[Christina]

"Next" is a clothes shop in England. Buy a tie, and on the back of the box it says, "How to care for you Next tie..."

Hmm...how do you care for this one??

I bought a brush for cleaning windows (how sad!) - on the packaging it said, "This brush is for cleaning purposes only. Do not use for any other purpose." ????? Like what????

On the tiny opening of the 'Oxfam' charity box for clothes donations, it says, "Caution! Do not attempt to climb into here." Like you would? Like they think cats and squirrels can read??? Hmmm

[donroc]

SPlease see my recent post in the joke thread.

[donroc]

Please see my recent post in the joke thread.

[Rowan]

Disorder in the Court!

Q. As an officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an automobile bearing Kansas license places SCR446?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Was the vehicle occupied at the time?

Medical Speak

The patient tells me he has continued to improve every day. He's still a bit weak when he tries to lift things above his head, but he can easily stick his finger in his ear and carry firewood.

Sportspeak

Ninety-nine percent of this game is half-mental. ~ Yogi Bera

Stop the Presses!

FREE ADVICE: BUNDLE UP WHEN OUT IN COLD

Sign of the Times

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:

Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.

Lost in Translation

Wake-up message from the front desk of a Japanese hotel: Your time is up.

School Daze

Gravity was invented by Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Advertisement

Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.

Mixed-Up Metaphor

We have buttered our bread and now we have to sleep in it.

Wrong Word

I drank myself into Bolivia.

Jumping to Confusions

To Our Patrons: This week, the Saturday matinee will be held Tuesday instead of Thursday.

[Volgadon]

Watched a documentary on the Muslim history of India, one of the sites had a wonderful sign: no entering inside open head

[Kveto from Prague]

"Sir Francis Drake circumsised the Earth with a 40-foot clipper."

:-)

[Rowan]

"Sir Francis Drake circumsised the Earth with a 40-foot clipper."

:-)

He did! I saw it! LOL :D

My all time favourite is.... "A myth is a female moth."

[Volgadon]

I about fell off my chair just now. They were showing an anti-Israel protest, one of the protestors held up a placard: death to all juice....

[Rowan]

Okay Israelis, leave the juice out of your conflicts!!! :p

[EC2]

I about fell off my chair just now. They were showing an anti-Israel protest, one of the protestors held up a placard: death to all juice....

Sorry to hear about the protest Volgadon, but I can't help laughing.

[Volgadon]

Thats alright, I'm still laughing!!!!!!!!

[annis]

I have a book called “Non Campus Mentis”, a hilarious collection of student’s history exam answers compiled by Professor Anders Henriksson. This book always has me in fits, no matter how often I read it.
Some examples:
• The Sophists justified themselves by changing relatives whenever this needed to be done.
• Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of the “Republicans.”.
• King Minoose became Head Cretin
• The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption.
• The Arians denied the Holy Triangle
• The entire city of Constantinople rose up with a tremendous ejaculation every time the Emperor Constantine came.
• During the Middle Ages there rose the manurial system where land was passed from fathers to sons by primogenuflecture.
• In 1066 England was overrun by Norman the Conqueror. Henry II acquired new parts by marrying Ellenor of Equine.
• Qin Shihuangdi did away with Confusionism. Russia was run over by Batu Cohen and crushed under the Mongol yolk.
• John Huss refused to decant his ideas and was therefore burned as a steak.
• Fedinand and Isabella conquered Granola.
• Captain Cook found many continents while deliberately on exhibition and located the perfect navel spot on Africa’s bottom.
• *Calvinsts were the only ones who believed in pre-detonation. It’s not surprising that their preaching consisted mainly of dogmatic explosions.
• After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. Philip II later annoyed the Dutch by speaking to them in Spanish, a language he did not understand.
• The Thity Years War began with the Defecation of Prague.
• Hitler shot himself in the bonker.

[Rowan]

Those are fabulous, annis!!! :D It sounds like what Richard Lederer has done only on a broader scale than just history.

[annis]

Yes, this book is an endless source of amusement :)

* Admiral Dewey sank the Spanish Armada in Vanilla Bay
* Children born to Europeans and Asians were known as Euthanasians- a situation which troubled them for life.
* Literature ran wild, Writers expressed themselves with cymbals.
* Among the goals of the chartists were universal sufferage and an anal parliament.
and last, but not least
* Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion.

[Rowan]

Here are more from my calendar:

Wholly Holy Blooper

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. (ouch!)

Lost in Translation

Ad Copy for a Brand of Bread Baked in Tokyo: All of contents are no additional. It's burned to a crisp with all our heart.

Sportspeak

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen when it happens, regardless of what happens. ~ Mike LaVilliere :confused:

Stop the Presses!

NEW AUTOS HIT 5 MILLION (ouch!)

Advertisement

Lose all your weight for only $68. (but if I did that... I'd no longer exist! :eek:)

Mixed-Up Metaphor

You've hit the iceberg on the head.

School Daze

Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

Wrong Word

New York has added a new demention to my life. :D

Jumping to Confusions

Strategy is when you don't let the enemy know you are out of ammunition, but keep on firing.

[annis]

LOL. Actually, I could see that New York might add a new demention to someone's life if thet weren't used to living in a large city!

[Rowan]

LOL. Actually, I could see that New York might add a new demention to someone's life if thet weren't used to living in a large city!

Me too but I wasn't going to say anything...