Good jokes and other funny stuff [Archive]

Leyland

08-28-2008, 04:05 PM

TOP NINE 'CAN I TAKE THAT BACK' OLYMPIC QUOTES (includes some mild vulgarity in context):

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

SonjaMarie

08-28-2008, 04:38 PM

ROTFLMAO! Those are great!

SM

Rowan

08-30-2008, 03:47 AM

I'm speachless...

Melisende

08-30-2008, 08:07 AM

Forget the name of the reporter - but a male was reporting on the women's beach volleyball on morning radio. Female talk-back host commented on the teeny tiny bikinis the women were wearing.

Said male reporter: "the Brazilian is dominant".

Then realised just what he had implied!

I think he was referring to the women's team ...... but cannot be sure .. :o

donroc

09-02-2008, 06:53 PM

For those who love JIB JAB. Great political humor.

http://www.peteyandpetunia.com/VoteHere/VoteHere.htm

Spitfire

09-03-2008, 09:09 PM

lol, this is so funny, this sounds like me sometimes. kidding!!
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I
heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things
I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this
morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonnay,
a bodle of zambuca, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke... an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in
ned ov inr pece.

SonjaMarie

09-05-2008, 01:21 AM

OK I came up with this myself this afternoon, and I did search online to see if anyone else has used this before but only relation to reading stuff about the real thing.....

NOW INTRODUCING.....

Wii READ!.....

The new great system for those of you who rather forgo the games and read a good book!

Comes with:

A good book of your choosing.

Price: Depends on the cost of the book.

No messy hookups, just open and read!

----
Ok stupid, not stupid?

SM

donroc

09-05-2008, 11:24 AM

I am reminded of Professor Irwin Corey's "historical" one liner: "Jeanne d'Arc means there is no light in the men's room."

diamondlil

09-08-2008, 09:38 AM

http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c388/ozdiamondlil/Einstein-Monrow.jpg

To see this in action you have to start with your nose right up to the screen, then step as far back as you can. One way your should see Marilyn Monroe, the other Albert Einstein.

Now look around. Is anyone watching you?

diamondlil

09-11-2008, 04:51 AM

Strangely addictive!

Click the ball to make it change colours!

http://mazzanet.id.au/ball.php

diamondlil

09-19-2008, 10:04 PM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Leyland

09-26-2008, 10:27 PM

MANDATORY EVACUATION

1 1/2 oz.Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz.vermouth
Clamato
Prune juice

Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass with equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door neighbor whose ficus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof - even though you'd warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his bathroom. Repeat.

CATEGORY 5

1/2 oz.vodka
1/2 oz.tequila
1/2 oz.rum
1/2 oz.bourbon
1/2 oz.gin
Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice

Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours, and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.

CONE OF PROBABILITY

1 oz.cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone

Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV weatherman say, 'cone of probability,' bite off the end of the cone and down the shot. If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots consecutively. (they should change this to the 'Cantore Zone'... damn him. Have you ever noticed that, despite all the cone of probability talk, if Cantore is parked in front of your house your ass is toast!)

FEEDER BAND

2 oz.Midori
2 oz.rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream

After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer. Stir, and drink through a straw.

BEACH EROSION

1 1/2 oz.Goldschläger
1 1/2 oz.apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw

Combine Goldschläger, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to New Jersey where it belongs.

DOWNED POWER LINE

1 1/2 oz.rum
5 oz.Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass.

Drink while trying to figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks without television and AC.

FLOOD ZONE

2 oz.Kahlúa
2 oz.Baileys Irish cream
4 oz.rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills all over the countertop.

COLD SHOWER

2 oz.Blue Aftershock
4 oz.Sprite

Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue.
Repeat.

LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT

1 oz.Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsaparilla
Rock salt

Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsaparilla. Fill shot glass with Jack and splash of sarsaparilla. Watch for looters. When you spot one, blast his ass with rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.

THE CHAIN SAW

1 oz. Goldschläger
1 oz.Rumplemintz
3 oz.Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth

Combine Goldschläger, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can. Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you to hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.

FOUR-WAY STOP

1 1/2 oz.vodka
1 1/2 oz.vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz.vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz.vodka and grenadine

Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to yourself and three other people. The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on. If somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and beat the living crap out of him.

BLUE TARP

1 1/2 oz.Curacao
2 oz.pineapple juice
Splash of lime

Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to eight months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient, hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an exorbitant sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.

FEMA FIZZLE

1 oz.Southern Comfort
2 oz.sloe gin
Tonic water

One week after the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in ruins with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin in a cocktail glass. Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of Angostura bitters. Serve with a nut brownie. Before drinking, raise the glass and toast.

Spitfire

09-27-2008, 02:13 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. !”

LOL! Cute one diamondlil!

Spitfire

09-27-2008, 02:31 AM

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43
added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!

Oh, and...woo woo!!

donroc

10-01-2008, 02:09 AM

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)

There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warmUP the leftovers a nd clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ! ;....... .my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Don't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.

Now I'll shut up

EC2

10-03-2008, 09:14 PM

So who put you UP to this Don?:D

Leyland

10-06-2008, 02:30 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from day one that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

SonjaMarie

10-06-2008, 04:43 PM

Rotflmao!

Sm

donroc

10-06-2008, 05:29 PM

So who put you UP to this Don?:D

Sorry, I cannot come up with a clever retort, which upsets me.
Does downset mean the opposite of upset? Up to you, y'all, I guess.

Spitfire

10-08-2008, 01:35 AM

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 Seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

=========

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license
to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to
go
home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience
at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might
have
gotten Disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

=========

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up
many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go
on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

Rowan

10-09-2008, 07:05 PM

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.' :D

Spitfire

10-29-2008, 04:40 PM

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of platic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

Rowan

10-29-2008, 06:41 PM

lmao!!! :D

Volgadon

10-29-2008, 08:04 PM

The 90th birthday of a Jewish matriarch is approaching. Her three sons get together to brag about the gifts they bought.
The eldest said. "I have the perfect give. Mother had a hard life, raising us in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, so I bought mother a three-storey house, with elevators and fourty-five bedrooms."
"And I bought her a limousine and hired a chauffeur, so she never has to go anywhere on foot ever again." Said the second son.
The youngest son thought for a while, then said. "You two have no idea what mother likes. She loves nothing better than studying the Torah, but her eyesight is failing, so she can't read anymore. I bought her a parrot who has studied for forty yours under the very finest rabbis and can recite the Torah and discourse on it."
The next day they called their mother in hopes of hearing her praise their gifts.
To the first one she said. "Thank you son, it's a great house, but it's really too large for a little old woman like me. What do I need so many rooms for."
To son number two. "Thank you dear for the car, but an old woman like me never travels anywhere anymore."
Finally, the youngest called. "You dear little boy! You know exactly what an old mother loves. I made such a nice soup out of that chicken you sent."

Spitfire

11-06-2008, 06:33 PM

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad is getting his hair cut, eating a twinkie for a snack. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you are going to get hair on your twinkie!" She says, "Yes I know, and I am gonna get boobs too!"

An exasperated mother whose son is always getting into mischief finally asks him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out, in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake Dylan, come in or stay out!"

It was that time during the Sunday morning sermon, for the Children's sermon. All the children were invited to come foreward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress, and as she sat down the pastor leaned over to her and said, "That is a very pretty dress, is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied directly into the priest's clip on microphone, "Yes, and my mommy says, "It's a real b*tch to iron!"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story Chicken Little to the class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "and what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her and replied, "I think he said, "Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes!

diamondlil

11-06-2008, 06:57 PM

Love these ones!

Rowan

11-11-2008, 10:03 PM

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to hospital and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Spitfire

11-19-2008, 02:05 AM

Oh my!:o Funny though!

Ash

11-19-2008, 03:29 AM

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story Chicken Little to the class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "and what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her and replied, "I think he said, "Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes!

Remind me of another teacher moment, true story. During our music time, we were singing holiday songs. One little boy wanted us to sing the chicken song. The chicken song? I asked. Can you tell me how it goes? You know, he said, 'making a list, chicken it twice'. I couldn't stop laughing....

Carine

11-19-2008, 06:07 AM

Hahahaha, very good ones Ash !!! Kids hé ! :)

SonjaMarie

11-19-2008, 05:20 PM

Remind me of another teacher moment, true story. During our music time, we were singing holiday songs. One little boy wanted us to sing the chicken song. The chicken song? I asked. Can you tell me how it goes? You know, he said, 'making a list, chicken it twice'. I couldn't stop laughing....

You should submit that to Reader's Digest!

SM

Andromeda_Organa

11-20-2008, 08:59 PM

Dick Cheney comes into the Oval Office.
"President Bush, three Brazilian soldiers were killed today!"
"Oh no- how many in a Brazilian?"

MLE

11-22-2008, 01:29 PM

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was ' DON'T !'

'Don 't what ? ' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '

' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' said God.

'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked ! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? ' God asked.

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it ! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!

diamondlil

11-26-2008, 10:08 AM

This tickled my funny bone today:

http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c388/ozdiamondlil/computersdown.jpg

donroc

11-26-2008, 11:19 AM

a la jay leno's headlines

Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

MLE

11-27-2008, 03:00 AM

Thanksgiving story---

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom told her that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, mom took the turkey out of the oven, took a Cornish game hen, and inserted it into the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to carve it. When she reached inside and her serving spoon hit something, she pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!

My sister burst into tears at this horrifying news. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Carine

11-27-2008, 05:43 AM

LOL LOL LOL !!!!
MLE, that is sooooooo funny !! http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e367/gatsby6306/Smileys/thsmiley_zzrofl1.gif

SonjaMarie

11-27-2008, 06:05 AM

That's hilarious, your poor sister!

SM

MLE

11-27-2008, 06:15 AM

That's hilarious, your poor sister!

SM
Actually, that was a story someone emailed me. It wasn't my sister, who would more likely have killed the joker.

SonjaMarie

11-27-2008, 06:20 AM

Actually, that was a story someone emailed me. It wasn't my sister, who would more likely have killed the joker.

OH! Well you didn't put that disclaimer hehehe!

SM

nona

11-30-2008, 03:05 AM

thats has to be one of he funniest things I've heard in awhile. rotflmao!!

lol, this is so funny, this sounds like me sometimes. kidding!!
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I
heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things
I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this
morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonnay,
a bodle of zambuca, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke... an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in
ned ov inr pece.

SonjaMarie

11-30-2008, 05:20 AM

HAHAHA! They great increasingly stupid as they get drunk and stoned off their arses!

SM

Carine

12-04-2008, 10:32 AM

Don't be too alarmed :)

Watch this (http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/320741/3aebf090/schokkend_man_schiet_poes_dood.html) (best put sound up !)

So funny, I don't know how you can teach that to a cat !!

Leyland

12-10-2008, 04:15 PM

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered..

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang and, irritated, Santa marched to the door and yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

donroc

12-10-2008, 05:00 PM

During the days when Czechoslovakia was a Soviet satellite, the local weatherman in Prague, a fellow named Rudolf, was the most rabid Stalinist in the country.

One sunny day, he predicted rain, and his radio station received hundreds of angry calls complaining that rain was impossible given the gorgeous weather and clear sky.

Then, mid-afternoon a sudden torrential downpour lasted until past dark and drenched Prague.

When the weatherman arrived home, his wife greeted him and asked how he could possibly know it was going to rain.

"Remember this. Rudolf, the Red, knows rain, dear.

diamondlil

12-11-2008, 08:02 AM

nona

12-12-2008, 02:47 PM

SonjaMarie

12-19-2008, 05:44 AM

Why are you supposed to be quiet in church?

Because people are sleeping.

SM

SonjaMarie

12-24-2008, 05:07 AM

OMG this is one of the funniest commercials I've ever seen:
http://www.veryfunnyads.com/ads/26111.html

SM

SonjaMarie

12-24-2008, 07:34 PM

Microsoft's Fargo, ND campus makes fun of Microsoft's Redmond, WA campus response to the weather here:
http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/microsoft/archives/157702.asp

I particularly like the bunny comment.

SM

diamondlil

02-02-2009, 10:39 AM

So, here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

Leyland

02-02-2009, 02:55 PM

Oh, diamondlil, I'll never be able to eat artichoke heart dip again without thinking about Artie the Assassin!

PROFOUND THOUGHTS -

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

nona

02-03-2009, 12:29 AM

lol, my husband would like that.

MLE

02-21-2009, 01:13 PM

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you Never fight back.
How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush......

LoisAnn

02-24-2009, 02:56 AM

LindyMc (Mom) & I got a kick out of this one this morning.

A couple of books came in for my husband this morning and he said, "Well, I'm really 'overbooked' now!"

He has four books on his TBR stack !! :cool:

I just smiled and said that being 'overbooked' was a good way to be ...

chuck

03-03-2009, 07:41 PM

Read somewhere recently.....Christchurch, New Zealand... City officials have started playing Barry Manilow and other "Easy Listening" tunes in their Malls....Their aim is to discourage the rowdy "Mall Rats" from acting out and bothering Mall shoppers.....It would be tortuous music for me.....I can imagine what it's doing young people.....I don't shop at Malls so I don't see the Mall Rats in action....Target and other stores, that I patronize play mostly "Soft Rock" and that is barely tolerable......Does anybody remember "Musesak/elevator programmed music to motivate people at different times of the day....It was so depressing to have to listen that dribble......

Ash

03-03-2009, 10:50 PM

They've tried that here. Not only does it not work, but it scares away the hordes of us who cannot stand that stuff.

Richard

03-03-2009, 11:12 PM

Muzak "Girl from Ipanema" did not prevent Elwood Blues from vandalizing a public elevator in Chicago.

chuck

03-04-2009, 12:05 AM

Muzak "Girl from Ipanema" did not prevent Elwood Blues from vandalizing a public elevator in Chicago.

What do you think they would do if they heard "Fly Me To the Moon" or the 100 Strings Orchestra doing Bowie's "Ziggy Stardust"...It still gives me the willies when I think about it....

Leyland

03-04-2009, 01:49 AM

Does anybody remember "Musesak/elevator programmed music to motivate people at different times of the day....It was so depressing to have to listen that dribble......
Now Zamfir and his pan flute .... he was da bomb!

chuck

03-04-2009, 03:40 PM

:eek:Now Zamfir and his pan flute .... he was da bomb!

I also dislike New age music....especially Yanni....Zamfir.... His K-Tel greatest hits what a hoot....

Spitfire

04-13-2009, 11:13 PM

39

40

41

42

43

Spitfire

04-13-2009, 11:18 PM

44

45

46

47

48

SonjaMarie

04-13-2009, 11:29 PM

*SNORT!* Now you're talking! WHOO HOO!

SM

Leyland

04-14-2009, 05:07 PM

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this air craft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Can not reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what frict ion locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P : Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Ash

04-14-2009, 07:25 PM

Hee, I saw that a while back, loved it. My DH was a maintenance supervisor so he could relate to it very well. I even gave a copy to our gruff custodian at school and actually got a smile from him (he's actually very nice, just not very social)

MLE

04-15-2009, 12:57 AM

My husband was president of a small nonprofit flying co-op for years, and that one has caused many a laugh. But the original was Quantas airlines, not UPS, and in fact it is Quantas that has never had a serious accident. (Although they might have had one lately -- the memory is jiggling at some news item a year or so back where I was thinking, "Oh, no, there goes a perfect record...")

Spitfire

04-20-2009, 01:02 AM

For those who like a little chick-lit...

49

Spitfire

04-20-2009, 01:05 AM

If men decided to write romance novels....hmmm?

50

Hope you can see this ok?

diamondlil

04-20-2009, 08:56 AM

Very funny!

donroc

04-20-2009, 12:18 PM

In the 1970s, my wife used to manage a grandmother standup comic named Bea Bea Benson who could go non-stop for six hours and was "fired" from a hotel in vegas because she was drawing customers from the tables. Here are a pair that are funnier when said aloud.

What do they call a dehydrated Frenchman? Pierre.
What to they call a male hooker in England? Peter Sellars.

Spitfire

04-27-2009, 09:51 PM

What to they call a male hooker in England? Peter Sellars.

Tee Hee! ;)

Anna Elliott

06-07-2009, 11:03 PM

This (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Efacebook%2Ecom%2Fhome%2Eph p&feature=player_embedded)made me and my husband laugh last night. Although be warned--you will have "Total Eclipse of the Heart" stuck in your head for a full day afterward! :)

Lauryn

06-08-2009, 06:49 AM

*true story*

My girlfriend the gadget queen is having a baby - her first - and her hubby bought her an Ipod for her birthday. And then promptly filled it with his music and uses it daily. So when she told me about this, she said - and I quote "Oh Poo! He stole my new Ipod and won't give it back!"

So when I saw this onesie (http://www.snugglebugz.ca/product.php?productid=17688&cat=0&page=1) for the baby, I just couldn't resist. (I bet he gives THAT back!)

Ken

06-08-2009, 07:21 AM

Three steel erectors were working on a high-rise. Jonny, an Englishman, Mac, a Scotsman and Paddy, an Irishman.

Each lunchtime the three would walk out on to a steel beam high above the street, sit down and eat their packed lunch. Every day their sandwiches contained the same filling and they were getting fed up with this!

Opening his lunch box, Jonny says, "Roast beef!, if I get roast beef once more, I'll throw myself off this building!"

Mac opens his and says, "Oh no! Haggis again! If I get Haggis once more I'll throw myself off this building!"

Paddy opens his and says, "Oh no! potatoes again! If I get potatoes once more, I'll throw myself off this building!"

Sure enough, the next day all three open their lunchboxes, find the same thing within and throw themselves off the building.

At their funeral, their three wives are full of remorse. Jonny's wife says, "If only I'd known Jonny didn't like roast beef, I'd have put something else in and he'd still be here!"

Mac's wife said, "and if I'd known Mac didn't like haggis, I'd have changed it and he would still be here!"

Paddy's wife said " Sure, and Paddy made his own sandwiches!!!!!"

Ken

06-08-2009, 02:45 PM

Three friends from the local church were asked, "When you're in your casket and friends are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said; "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine friend and a great family man."

Eugene commented; "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference to people's lives."

Al said; "I'd like them to say, "Look he's moving!!"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the lord... "God, what does a million years mean to You?"

The Lord replies, "a minute."

Smith asks, "and what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "a penny."

Smith asks, "can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "in a minute."

sweetpotatoboy

06-08-2009, 05:55 PM

So when I saw this onesie (http://www.snugglebugz.ca/product.php?productid=17688&cat=0&page=1) for the baby, I just couldn't resist. (I bet he gives THAT back!)

Oh, that IS cute. I wonder if I can buy one here next time I need a gift for a baby.

Richard

06-12-2009, 06:25 PM

I didn't know whether to put this in "funny" or "best thing today".

Someone found my website about my historical novel Saint Mark's Body, looked at the character descriptions there, and used that "information" to edit the Italian Wikipedia article about the real person "Buono da Malamocco" on whom my MC is based.

He must have taken the stuff from a previous incarnation of the site, which had a lot more character details and information.

Annotated translation pf the article at my blog, http://saintmarksbody.com/buono/?p=63 . You can also find my ongoing webnovel there, chronichling Buono's early days. It's only a matter of time before someone puts that in the Wikipedia article too!

LoveHistory

06-29-2009, 04:28 PM

I saw this today:

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

LoveHistory

06-29-2009, 04:29 PM

SonjaMarie

07-10-2009, 06:20 AM

Evian Water Commercial with adorable roller skating "babies", the faces are real babies, but the rest is CGI (of course!):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PHnRIn74Ag

SM

Tanzanite

07-19-2009, 07:18 PM

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled:

'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced: 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight; and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied: 'The damn funeral director would be my first guess.

nona

07-19-2009, 08:13 PM

lol, that would be my guess too!

MLE

12-06-2009, 03:45 AM

How to clean a toilet...

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f1200849%5fABcJDUwAAChtSxrZ0QPboFF 0%2bqw&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Sincerely,

The Dog
http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f1200849%5fABcJDUwAAChtSxrZ0QPboFF 0%2bqw&pid=2.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Vanessa

12-06-2009, 10:21 AM

I like that one, MLE.:D

EC2

12-06-2009, 12:55 PM

Hah hah! MLE. Very funny indeed - love it.
Will now go and try it out as it's bathroom day! ;)

donroc

03-03-2011, 03:54 PM

For those who frequent Chinese restaurants (don't we all?), and see
the placemats showing the Chinese zodiac (you know, the year of the
rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) - well, here is the official Jewish
equivalent.

Now you can find out who you are.

The Year of:

CHICKEN SOUP
1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better
just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet
their children - resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and
Knish.

EGG CREAM
1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You've got a devious personality since you're made with neither eggs
nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're
too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.

CHOPPED LIVER
1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder "What am I,
chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the
holidays! Bagel's got your back.

BLINTZ
1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You
play it coy but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover
morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.

LATKE
1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the
inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you're a real dish.
Compatible with Schmear's cousin Sour Cream.

BAGEL
1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's
missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible
with Schmear and Lox...Latke and Knish, not so much.

PICKLE
1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy
banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning
from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.

SCHMEAR
1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A
smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then.
Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami - wouldn't be kosher.

PASTRAMI
1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You
spice up life even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible
with Pickle, who's always by your side.

BLACK AND WHITE ICE CREAM SODA
1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or
cookie? You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it
"bipolar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself.

KNISH
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and
substance. Consider medical or law school, but don't get too wrapped
up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your
league.

LOX
1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is
bask in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca.
Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.

LoveHistory

03-03-2011, 06:44 PM

Thanks Donroc, that was highly entertaining.

MLE

06-27-2011, 06:49 PM

Egad, hardly any jokes lately! So here's mine:

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes" whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes" came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again, the small voice whispered, "No"

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No he's busy" said the little voice.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman." came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?!" asked the boss, now getting alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?!"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me!"